Yesterday’s intense anxieties and emotions came and went in strong bursts today. A general lack of self-efficacy overcame me, resulting in me not doing anything. I feel so out of it, and the emotions today seem less to do with the worries and disappointment of yesterday, but more with a dreadful apathy that has invaded my soul and prevented me from accomplishing things even though I rationally know I have things to do. (Also, my physical state feels like it has sort of deteriorated. It is not implausible that some part of my GI tract is failing, but this is total speculation with no medical evidence.) This reminds me of a blog from January (#28), where I talked about “losing the will to live.” I’m approaching that point again, where I feel so tired I don’t want to do or feel anything, but I should continue on. In #1A, I talked about how “I just worry, worry, worry.” At this point, I no longer have the energy or care to worry, worry, worry. I just exist and fail to accomplish.

I got up today at 3:30AM, and drove to the place we were going to attempt to observe the satellite. I wore flip-flops, which was a bad idea because it would have probably resulted in frostbite if I had stayed out any longer than I had.1 We missed the satellite because of clouds, but went to Perkins afterwards, where we stayed until almost 6, when I finally drove home. I slept until about 10 or something like that, and then did not much until lunch, where we had pizza, and then did not much until around 2 or 3, then had another nap until 4:30 or so, where I was awakened for a concert my sister was performing in. That lasted until 6:30, after which we got home, where I, yet again, did not much. It’s not that I don’t want to do things, it’s just that I can’t motivate myself to sit down and focus on anything, and uggggghhhhhh.

Tomorrow, though, I have to go film some stuff for my telenovela, and also probably tutoring, before finally having to do a variety of presentations and homework and whatnot. We’ll see how it goes. We’ll see if I’m better.

We’ll look at some goals from October (#48A) now, because maybe that will settle me a little further back into my place.2

  1. Hold myself accountable in every sense - reduce blame-shifting and excuses.
    This is going relatively okay, although that doesn’t really mean I’m accomplishing what I want to do. Hm. A solid meh on this one.

  2. Piece together our policy debate team so that we can actually have one.
    Maybe…? I don’t like where it’s going, but I think it’s happening.2

  3. Write more and publish more writing, but not at the expense of quality over quantity.
    Kind of successful with this blog, because I think the quality and quantity on this blog has sort of gotten better, but writing outside of it hasn’t been happening. I’ll be working on my novella after this semester though. Exciting![^3]

  4. Improve general programming and complex math.
    Nope! Just Calc III. That’s okay for now. [I have done less hard programming though, with the website and Java for robotics and whatnot.]

  5. Get healthier - exercise![^4]
    Sort of? I’ve definitely gotten stronger with Cardio, but healthier is up to debate, given the state of my stomach and my energy.

  6. Manage time more effectively, reduce non-essential screen time.
    A little bit, yeah. This is actually going okay. Although it is still probably worse than it actually should be.

  7. Be less awkward.
    Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.

  8. Be less closeted.
    I’ve done it a little bit with the people around me, and I’ve tried to be as casual about it if asked as I can, but it is still sort of a struggle, especially with the idiots (okay, that’s probably too strong of a word but still) in my Cardio class.

  9. Make All-State.
    Success!! Over and done with.

  10. Get 3 acceptances, 2 deferrals, on my early action applications.
    I think I’m on track for this, actually, but only time will tell.

  11. Finish essays far before the deadline so they can be edited.
    I got some (but not all) of my essays finished far before the deadline, and the important ones were edited, so that’s quite good. Now, however, I should work on Stanford and Harvard essays as well.

  12. Don’t just slack off second semester. (Learn things or something.)
    We’ll see how that goes.

  13. Keep in touch with RSI folk.
    This has been somewhat successful—I’ve talked to a lot to people from RSI, but it’s still sort of a small subset of who I would like to be talking to, and that kind of makes me sad. The people I’ve talked a lot to, however, have gotten me through a lot of stuff, and that’s a really good thing.

  14. Have fun…!…?

  1. Note (2022): still love wearing flip-flops at inappropriate times. 

  2. Note (2022): Looking back at these goals generates some fond memories and some laughs. I don’t really recall what I meant by goal 1, and goal 2 ended with the untimely death of policy debate in South Dakota the following year. Goals 3 and 4 have been accomplished, although the latter has become less important to me over time. Goals 5 and 6 have always been extremely aspirational and are probably still things I should strive for. I think I am proudest of accomplishing goals 7 and 8 at MIT; 9, 10, 11, and 12 are no longer relevant, 13 occurs on occasion, and 14? Well, it’s been a rough year, but sometimes it happens.  2